Reawakening

Return. I have not been around DA so there can be no feelings that everything has changed, but I know it must have. It is the ember of desire that brings me back, something continuing to glow and sparking at the slightest touch.

Anything I could say beyond this is nothing more than relating my life, but this was my intention. After all, as I know this place has changed, so have I.

Life as I have known it:
To start, whereas before I could write of love but never claim to have felt it, I can now say with a certain sense of satisfaction to have been in love, to have felt the bonding of souls and heart beating for two instead of one. On a Tuesday in February, shortly before I would turn 18 I fell in love. I originally did not think he was as attractive as I could have wanted, indeed he was fat and proud, a trait which took me a little time to overcome, but that I realized I could overcome. After all, an aversion towards being fat is ingrained in us by society, this is what I believed...I was right.

I fell in love with a man (although even now he is only 17, soon to be 18, in my eyes he is more of a man than most guys ever can hope to be) who made me laugh, a romantic who could always spark a fire within me and what passion we shared. When I was with him, I truly felt like a woman and loved him all the more for that. When I was with him...Jeremy.

During the course of dating, he helped me in many ways, the most important of which is to be more social. He helped me gain a deeper understanding of myself. Before we even started dating he knew I was trasgendered, that did not bother him, in fact he enjoyed the crossdressing. I also initially told him I was bisexual, but I soon came to the realization that I was simply gay.

It was a few months later and the topic of whether I wanted to transition arose. Initially I said no, I had planned to go on hormones but would stop there. Initially I said no. The thought lingered in my mind and each time he asked the no grew less pronounced. It got to the point where no became an i don't know and even then I would feel like I was denying what I truly wanted. It finally came out as a yes. I had finally accepted myself, without any reservations, to be a transsexual.

For a while we stayed together, and I reassured him that if we did stay together he would not be alone, there are other guys who have dealt with their partners transitioning. It affected our relationship even when it was not the topic at hand, the unspoken words. We ended up staying together for maybe two more months before he called it off. We had dated for six months and we thought we would be together forever. (What little we knew.)

But, the breakup we both knew was coming and so we are still friends, best friends. In my experience now it is true that line between love and friendship is thin, if it were not for the sex it would be nonexistent.

I had told at least one person on DA of my other name (whether she remembers or not), it is Laura. The avatar I chose is the trans pride symbol with a purple background (it took forever to find a good hue of purple, and I am still not happy with it!) It will do. I have rid of any sex since I really no longer believe in such a label, granted it does ask for gender so I could put female. In general, I am returning by my own means.

When I was at the diversity workshop for college (I got to be an active part, the only trans in the crowd, heeheeheeheehee) a point was raised about minorities. The speaker asked how many people who are caucasian thought about the fact that they were caucasian nearly every day. A few people stood up, but this was out of over a hundred. Then the speaker asked how many people in a racial minority thought about the fact that they were part of a racial minority nearly every day. Almost every person stood up. This sparked the thought that any minority thinks about the fact that they are part of a minority nearly everday (myself included). It also posed the question why?

Granted I found my answer but I am not in the mood to go into that at the present moment. The point is that if anyone thinks I am now being flamboyant, know that expressing something about oneself cannot be regarded as flamboyance if it is constantly on one's mind.

Anyway, now that I have said that disclaimer...oh yes poems. What fleeting things, I should have forgotten them altogether. Joking of course. I have quite a few things to submit so do not think this cessation has been wasted. Also I need a labrat to read a ten page poem and tell me what they think it's worth. Also, the trend of surrealism has not disappeared from my poetry. If I can work on it some more, it will be a style I will be using quite often.

Other than this, for those still reading I leave ye with a few words:
Forever, by the measure of man, is a very short amount of time